Top Nine Ways to Get Fat...Stat!

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Obesity...it's the new black. Thin is out! Fat...that's what it's about! A team of researchers at Johns Hopkins University predict that by 2015, 75% of adults in the U.S. will be clinically overweight or obese. Don't be left behind in the, ahem, stampede, to keep up with the Joneses. Here are my top ten tips for livin' la vida grande:

• Skip breakfast - Cultivate your appetite and hunger by not eating anything for breakfast. Have no fear, you will make it up, and then some later in the day.
• Eat lightly throughout the day...then pile it on at night - To pack on some prodigious poundage, you must have the appetite to eat vast amounts of food. By eating lightly throughout the day you can be ravenously hungry to get in as many calories as possible in the evening. Cookies and ice cream calling your name? Well, answer that call!
  
• Pass on the Protein - Protein consumes too many precious calories in the digestion process and keeps your metabolism high by repairing muscle tissue. Does that sound like a recipe for success in largeness?
  
• Supplement with Soft drinks - How can you get more calories in without curbing your appetite and hasten your way to becoming a fabulous fatty? It almost brings a tear to my eye to think what a gift soft drinks are to the world. Work as many of them into your day as possible. Starbuck's froo-froo drinks are a wonderful addition, as well, especially those Christmas-y drinks like the Peppermint Mocha and Eggnog Latte. Hell, have two! It'll get you to your goal of becoming lusciously large that much quicker.
• Strength training...NOT! - leave the protein and the strength training to the meat heads and gym bunnies. Ripped, hard bodies? That's so 1982! In 2015, ripples rock! Hard bodies? More like, hardly able to move your body. That's what I'm talkin' about. Don't lift weights...those things are heavy. Lift Twinkies instead!
• Forget the Fiber - Fiber is filling...not good for the future, formidably fat-alicious.
• Cardio, shmardio! - Burn calories? What, are you crazy? That's for the losers in the 25% minority.
• Vanquish the Veggies - Vegetables are too low calorie and high fiber. Drink ketchup instead...wouldn't want to negatively effect your health.
• Can you say "refined carbohydrates"? - Say it, yes? Spell it, maybe not? Either way, a key to larding up is to consume as much sugar, flour, and white rice as possible. Stick with these foods and maybe, just maybe, you will claim the coveted moniker, morbidly obese.

Would have done a top ten list, but this...sugar...rush...is...making...it...hard...to...focus.

Excuse me, but I've got two bags of Cheese Doodles with my name on them.